hey there

 Writing has always been a source of comfort for me. It’s intensely personal and never feels like the wrong answer to any issue of stress or mental fatigue. I can just sit down and put my thoughts on this untitled document in TextEdit and feel relieved and hopeful again. I suppose that is why I turn to it once more right now.  While I am hoping I look back at this period in my life and think “Oh yeah that hurt but I’m glad it happened”, currently all I can think is that I wish I were anywhere but here. 

Its been close to a year and a half since my last blog. For one reason or another I just haven’t been able to sit down and spell my thoughts and experiences out and I regret the fact that whenever I am stressed, writing and creativity are the first thing to go out the window. I can count on it like clockwork at this point; depressive and busy spells equate to a loss of creative thought and processes. In good times I find it easier to write, journal, create music, be inspired and stop to smell the roses. But when things are bad, those are gone before I even understand what happened. And it wears on me. Without my comprehension. Gratingly. Until one day I look up and realize the inner youth in me has had another nail drilled into the coffin. 

Yeah that was probably dramatic I can openly admit, but it still rings a bit true to me whether I like it or not. I used to think I was going to be young, starstruck and chasing my dreams until the day I died. At UF, I had so much hope and inspiration. It was the peak of my creativity because I had finally allowed myself to give in to that part of me and just feel things openly. Let it flood me and direct me on which steps to take next. It led me to Germany which was the happiest period of my life. But I realize now that was close to five years ago. The better part of a decade since I let myself be wholly inspired and be among likeminded folk. Five years since I allowed myself to believe completely in my dreams and intrinsic worth. 

I am writing this blog for many reasons. Affirmation, therapy, venting; whatever you want to call it but mainly to state to myself that I will no longer life my life for others and their dreams. I believe in myself once more. I will do the things I want to do and I will answer to no one except myself. This is my only avenue and it’s time I reconnect with it. I have strayed from my path and will return once more to the internal compass which, at one point, guided my life in the direction of my desired future. 

First, I want to stop and go back to cover the last couple years to put them on paper and get closure for the experiences I’ve had. I left Germany more than two years ago. Two years and seven days to be exact as of the time I’m writing this. I can’t speak more on Edelweiss than I already have. I lived my best and my worst there and ultimately left probably a bit too early.

In fact, I genuinely blame this poorly-executed ending as the beginning of my mental disparity. And here’s the reason why: I left without a plan. 

My entire life, my parents have preached about not moving on to the next adventure/period/job without a plan and I followed it religiously. It was a very guiding principle. I could do whatever I desired so long as I had an idea of what was going to replace the current situation. It makes sense and it’s so basic but incredibly important and overlooked. From High school, I knew I was going to CF and then to UF and then to Germany and my life just seemed to flow and make sense. It took a lot of pressure off me because I had time to decide and never had to make rash decisions just to survive. Word to the wise: listen to my parents. 

But when I left Germany, it was just a silly email I sent one day to the HR lady because I was sad and drunk. I thought to myself “I’m a bit tired, what if I just went home” and that was ALL the thought I put into it. I’m furious with myself for that. A top two regret in my life and I can promise; it’s not number two. Things weren’t perfect by any means there toward the end. I was off the rails a little and had imposed a self-alienation as a coping mechanism. But, nothing was beyond saving. Before I left, most of the problems that I had been facing seemed to fix themselves and there I was, still set on leaving.

My boss convinced me to stay another couple months, I was under no pressure to leave in any hurry: he wanted me to stay. But I felt like I had to at that point just out of the misguided tenet of not going back on my word. So that was it. March 3 and I was off. I remember the breakdown I had in the airport before the flight. I remember trying to smuggle my dad a couple Helles beers. I remember looking out the window while “I’ll Be Back Someday” by Howlin’ Wolf was playing. I remember crying silently under my blanket and making a promise to myself that I would return one day and it would be for good. I still carry the 20 Euro note in my wallet as collateral for that promise. 

So I came home. Strung out, 30 pounds lighter than when I left, miserable. From then on, I had no idea what the next move was. I had committed the cardinal sin of having no plan. 

April 2023:

I messed around for a few months before heading to Yellowstone and of course, if you read my blog, you should know that story by now. That plan didn’t work out and then I was truly treading water by the time I returned home. I thought maybe UF Master’s program was the answer but was so mistreated and pulled on a thread by the process and the ambivalent entrance counselors that I didn’t even bother in the end.

September 2023:

I searched for every job under the sun within the music business while I was back home. Since I was unemployed, my job was, essentially, to apply to jobs all day long. Cover letters, tailored resumes and emails to HR managers. All went unnoticed and unappreciated day after day and was a laborious process that really knocked my self-esteem down a peg or two. It made me realize such an important lesson: entry level jobs in a corporate world are based solely on who you know and unfortunately for me, I knew no one. A college degree is genuinely worthless these days, it only provides what you put into it AKA paid connections and friendships. Looking back, I should have gone to networking events, social connections and maybe even joined a frat but I thought I was being smart by flouting the norm, going overseas and not looking for a real job. A real job would always find me, I believed. Now I know: you can be the smartest one in the room but if you have no professional connections to notice, what difference does it make. 

October 2023: 

So, of course I ran out of money again and got a job bartending again at a small Mexican restaurant. Something you should know about me is that my strength is in powers of perception and intuition. I can look at someone and within five seconds understand if they are someone with their head on straight or maybe a loose screw (or two). I have never been wrong about first impressions and it is something that has aided and protected me through many sticky situations in my life. It’s allowed me to match the vibe of the room as well which is a great benefit in the business world (That was any recruiters reading!) That said, my intuition told me on the first day that I shouldn’t be there and, of course, the intuition was right. It was a lawless restaurant that had no affection toward me nor I for it. I still have PTSD from that bar and I’ll wake up from dreams in which I’m back and overrun again. I heard recently they were going out of business. God I hope so. 

However, during that period, as bad as it was, I realized how much I needed an escape plan and with desperation comes results I always say. I realized that I was obviously not on the right path. The right things usually come naturally and it felt like I had been fighting an uphill battle Sisyphus wouldn’t even attempt since I came back from Germany. My no-plan idea had bitten me in the ass and now I needed something drastically different. 

December 2023: 

In what was one of the lowest periods of my life, sick with 102 fever, stuck in bed for a week, gloomy winter clouds rolling in, I texted my aunt and uncle in Nashville and asked about the possibility of me coming to live with them for a bit. Just until I got on my feet. Sure enough, it worked.

I also had an idea that maybe the “job in the music industry” idea I had been pursuing just wasn’t for me. At least not right now. So I took an assessment of what I wanted in my life. No office work, staying on my feet, traveling around, working with my hands, using my brain, creative problem solving. These were some of the ideas I wanted to incorporate and after a few months of thinking, I felt like I had come to a solution. Construction. 

New Year: 2024

NYE brought to an end an unsuccessful and confusing chapter of my life. I had accomplished none of the goals I set out for myself, I was celebrating in my hometown as opposed to Peaches— my favorite bar in Garmisch— and was overall not feeling great about the way things had gone down. But, by the same hand, I could sense something new was coming. I had secured housing in Nashville with my family, I had applied to a few colleges for a construction management degree (my second Bachelor’s for those playing at home) and I had an interview lined up for a really cool bartending job in Franklin TN just five minutes down the road from me. I hoped the night would bring answers. I think that night was one of the last nights of true peace and calm. I didn’t know the mayhem and stress awaiting me soon thereafter. I didn’t know I was looking down the barrel with my own hand on the trigger for the insane year to follow. 

May 2024:

I started bartending at Southall beginning of March and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made in my life. It was my first experience with fine dining. The property itself is about 400 or so acres. All the food is grown on site and delivered farm-to-table. It’s really quite beautiful and for the longest time, I was very proud of where I worked. I came on during a very transitional period for Southall; three of the bartenders quit within a couple weeks of my being there, the place was getting busier every day and I was working doubles five days a week. I loved it. I got acquainted very quickly, I learned the finer aspects of bartending, I got along very well with all the other people there and it felt like a second home. I was the guy who could get things done quickly and I carried that reputation like a badge of honor. Wherever they put me, I could succeed and truthfully it gave me a confidence that I never allotted for myself. I was able to focus and succeed in extremely stressful situations and I’ve been able to channel that ever since. No matter how stressful life is, it is not as bad as working the pool bar in the morning and the main bar four to midnight shift. It was a test of my character and it’s one battle I’m proud to say I won. More relevantly though, I was working crazy hours to cope with a very bad breakup I had just had and I didn’t mind being there 70 hours a week. 

It was the most money I had ever made in my life. Seeing that I was still living rent-free with my relatives, I was able to splurge on myself for the first time in my life. I went to Lululemon for my gym clothes. I filled in my tattoo sleeve. I bought top shelf liquor. I felt like those NFL players who go broke their first year in the league because they have never had money before and just wanted to blow it all now that they finally had it. No doubt in my mind that would have been me too if I had the ability to go pro. God it was awesome. I think it turned me into a republican having money like that.

June 2024: 

I had been accepted into MTSU’s Construction Management program and so I was back in college for yet another four-year degree. This felt like the right idea at the time even if it was a backwards/lateral move. I was in for two years of classes if I went full-time and all went according to plan. I was very aware of the fact I was going to grind it out for a while but hopefully it would be worth it in the end. So by June, summer classes started for me. I was enrolled in Construction Plan Reading, Applied Calculus and Business Finance. They sucked immediately, Calculus especially. You have to remember this is me four years after graduating college for the first time. My brain had been permanently switched to idle mode and was not very excited toward the prospect of waking back up. Chegg study and Chat GPT really saved the day though, I’m glad that wasn’t as prevalent during my time at UF or I would have been so dumb. I can’t believe how easy it is to cheat these days. How are teachers supposed to be able to police that?

I am still working full-time at Southall and it is a manageable workload but I’m beginning to slip a bit. I feel the water creeping up over my ankles. But I can still walk. 

October 2024: 

A low moment for me. The water is up to my neck. I feel like I’m sinking. Therapy isn’t helping as much as it used to, I am pulling 40 hour weeks at Southall and 15 credit hours at MTSU. Learning a complete new profession from scratch has become a dauntingly impossible task and I feel like I am not deserving of fun or happiness. If I can just grind it out a little harder, maybe life will get easier. Every day I see the old New Zealand Visa I was granted pinned to my desktop background and wish that I had chosen that route more and more. There is no room for creativity in my life it seems like. The constant routine had done damage to my soul. I felt like my youth was slipping away. My parents were saints and rented a cabin in the middle of nowhere for my fall break so I could decompress a bit and turn the screens off. It was a lifesaver. 

Maybe this is dramatic again but it is how I felt. But, the fact truly wearing me down was that I was doing all this for construction— something I wasn’t even sure if I would like. I was spending thousands, writing pages and stressing my life away for what amounted to a shot in the dark. You need to understand my thought process for going back to school though. It felt dumb and I recognized that, but my whole life I have felt like I needed to do things the right way or the “old-fashioned way” and school usually came before work. Traditionally that’s just how it worked and it’s what we are all taught growing up. The awareness of the foolishness of the situation was gnawing at me continually but I tried my best to ignore it. I had recently gone through a bit of another breakup and so I felt just about as isolated as was possible and tried to hide behind my studies. I believe October is the month that things really began to go downhill for me and I still haven’t really seen them pick up yet. That is still to come.  

The one saving grace was that I had my own apartment now and had a freedom that I hadn’t had since before moving to Germany. It is amazing what having your own room and kitchen does for you emotionally. I’ll never take that for granted again. Making my own dinner and having room to sit back and watch Youtube alone is a magical thing. 

I told y’all this was going to be a venting session, if you are still reading after all this negativity that’s real nice of you. 

Speaking of therapy though, I do feel it is important for me to talk for a second about my experience with it. I found a doctor in Florida who I could call every week rather than go in office. I started with her in May after the breakup because my panic attacks had returned and I felt like it was time to really get to the real nitty gritty of my consciousness. I always want permanent solutions and therapy felt like one. If I could just understand more of who I am and why I do what I do, then I can use that information forever. 

It opened my life right up. I can’t recommend it enough. It felt like finally my brain began to finish developing thanks to her and now I have come to terms with a lot of parts of myself I used to resent or ignore or attempt to silence. I stopped running from myself and it’s cliche but I do believe that everyone should try therapy once in their life. It is good to have objective advice from someone about a situation and how you can go about improving next time something difficult comes up. It’s just logical to have a therapist. I’m still stunted in the head but at least I’m learning! Silver linings!

December 2024. 

Broken and hollow are the best adjectives I could think of for this entire month. I wish December never happened. I finally finish the semester and it feels like it took the better part of me. I treated my body like a sprint and not a marathon and now 5 months had passed me by and I looked up and realized I wasn’t sure this was my dream anymore. While there has been a lot of complaining I’ve been giving y’all on this blog, one absolute fact is that there is nothing more exhausting and lonely than realizing you haven’t been living your dream. That you have been getting up, every day, and acting the motions of life for something you don’t believe in. You wake up and see that you’re on the wrong side of the street. The other side is made of those who may be broke, destitute or looked down upon but they are living with one inescapable fact in mind— live the dream they want. 

I have friends all around the world. They adjusted nicely to a new life and have found a way to continue to live according to their desires. They had a plan and they executed it. I, meanwhile, felt passed by. The only dream I’ve ever really had was to see the world and I feel like I let myself down. I hadn’t been outside a 45 mile radius in months and I had to call friends 16 hours away in Australia and New Zealand who had full-time jobs and were making names for themselves just so I could get a glimpse of the good life. 

Along the way, my Grandma very suddenly passed. I talked to her on a Thursday and by the 23 she was in hospice. Dorothy Dreher passed away on Christmas Eve 2024, just shy of her birthday on Jan 9. I have never missed a person more and every day it makes me sad that I can’t text to ask for her cooking advice or to tell me more of what life was like growing up for her. It was a caper to an incredibly difficult year. 

December made me realize that I never grew up with an overall purpose in mind. I never had a real achievable plan to accomplish my dream of seeing the world, I just assumed it would happen but I haven’t taken ahold of life in a manageable way. Of the seven sins, I believe I would lie within sloth. Sloth is described as  “A failure to do what one should do, or a lack of work” and I know— factually— I am guilty of this. It is a sin that I am working hard to overcome because I am aware that nothing will go for me in this world unless I am the charge that leads it. Nothing will be handed to me and nothing will be given. There is so much more I wish I could express but this much I am sure of. Even just writing this blog will give me a sense of accomplishment but it’s still just a toss in the bucket. I must be better at creating goals for dreams and this is the lesson I feel most strongly about sharing with everyone. I am beginning to believe in myself once more and I feel like I can make the things in my life I desire happen. I am using this as an affirmation to myself that I will make the change I want to see. I was born with a lot of potential and I feel I’ve wasted it for too long. I want to find myself to be an interesting person.

March 2025:

So here we are. Boy if I thought I was lost before, I hadn’t seen anything yet. To summarize, the last three months have been a whiplash. With much thought and deliberation, I decided to quit school. First: why was I going back for another Bachelor’s degree for a route in construction. Second: why was I going back for something I had never worked a day in and didn’t know if I had any aptitude for. Third: why was I putting tuition on my credit card. Fourth: why didn’t I just start now and get experience immediately. With these thoughts spiraling down into a vicious pit in my stomach, I made the uneasy decision that I didn’t need to be there anymore. It was, however, totally based off a gut feeling at the end of the day. The one that has guided my life thus far and continues to guide it. 

So I reached out to my (future) internship and asked if I could just start working immediately. Somehow, he said yes. He told me to come back in a month and they would have a job as an estimator waiting on me. I had a little experience with estimating from a class I took at MTSU so I thought I was set. 

But here is where we come to the reason I am blogging again as an escape method. 

I can’t really stand the job. 

They unofficially promoted me on my first day to a position that usually requires about three years of experience and comes with a hefty list of responsibilities. By the fourth day of my first week in construction, I am an **acting** APM and had people calling and texting at all hours of the day and night asking for my guidance or answers. I’ll let you in on a secret. I have no answers to give. I still barely understand the scope of work this company offers yet I’m expected to walk with GC’s and give rough estimates on when a particular section might be finished. I am really good at BS’ing my way through life and making up answers that sound reasonable or accurate but this is an entirely different ball game. How can I lie (creatively) through my teeth on a multi-million dollar project? I am in such a specialized niche of construction and it is, unfortunately, not one that really draws my attention very strongly, which has made learning all the more difficult. 

However, I am here for a reason. This much I am assured of. If it’s a test of my strength then bring it on. I won’t admit defeat to anyone who sees me in the field or the office just out of pure spite. I see, objectively, things I don’t enjoy and it makes me realize that construction is likely not a very long-term goal for me. Right now it simply pays the bills and it is going to finance something that I’m truly interested about one day. I am here for a period to see this project through and learn how projects are managed from the ground up. At least that’s what I tell myself to get through the day.

I count down the hours these days until my time at work is up and then, once I’m home, I count down the hours until I’m forced to return to sleep again and start the whole process over. This is no way to live life, especially now that I’ve seen the other side. The side where I am able to enjoy each day so aggressively that I think I could never imagine doing anything else. 

You can be broke and go rich, but you can’t be rich and go broke.  

But here I am. I am doing things I never thought myself capable of and I’m thankful for this opportunity to prove myself to myself. I live with this terminal disease called Impostor’s Syndrome and seem to always look for the antidote in all the wrong places. 

But now you see why I have written this blog. It is a monumental oasis of an affirmation. I realized that I deeply enjoy writing and will be making it more of a priority. I am considering writing books. It’s something I’ve never doubted I could do, just never took the time to sit down and make that first page come to life. I am interested in finally starting the bar I keep telling everyone about. It is going to be live jazz. Classy. Exposed brick and martinis in chilled coupes. Maybe a dress code? I have looked up carpentry classes. I would love to be able to be a handyman for my friends and neighbors just for the flex of it. There is three albums worth of piano songs I’ve written saved on my phone; I am going to make a point to publish those on Spotify for no other reason than to say I did it. I am not completely without talent so I will admit to that here. I have a lot of potential that is waiting to be greeted by something other than silence.  

No longer will I come home and let my lethargy and depression numb me into an uncomfortable self-peace; floating in the doldrums of my forgotten dreams. I want to get up and do something worth doing and be a name that you all remember and are glad to know. 

This blog is the first of many to come. It was written solely for the opportunity to catch up on my life since that last short story and write about the changes I am going to make you all hold me accountable for. Check up on me after this MTSU project is done and ask me what plans I have made to accomplish even just one of these goals. Always have a plan. Even if it goes off the rails, at least you tried something.