knowing when to give up

 

Suppose you think you finally know where you want to go. You’ve scratched and clawed your way through the gritty moments of life in search of something that feels right. This could be a person in your life, it could be a job, it could be some other seemingly self-fulfilling prize. Regardless of the end result, you set off on a path that feels correct and good. Just the action of taking action spurs you to new life and begins to intonate the sound of change. 

Now, you finally get there. You’ve reached the moment you were waiting for. They are in your arms, the job is yours, you’ve started the business, things should be good. But you find that you aren’t happy. In fact, it’s worse than that, you’re unfulfilled. The prize is not something that elicits the feeling you were expecting and the top of the mountain is bare, save for the flag you already planted from the other times you tried finding satisfaction from all the wrong avenues. Where do you go from there? You can’t cut your losses and move on, that’s sunken cost fallacy subconsciously preying on you. Once all that time and money has been spent, you feel like you’re deserving of the happiness that must be following as a result. Good things are sure to come soon if you just stick it out a little longer. What sense does it make to walk away now? 

These questions are nothing new and we know it. We all fall into that category occasionally (some more than others) of **be careful what you wish for**. Sometimes, it’s felt like my life has been a cyclical, visceral example of this and I’m a bit sick of it. The problem is— I have been chronically obsessed with “the chase” for as long as I can remember. There isn’t a chase that I would pursue from which I would back down. I was proud of it, wore it on my sleeve and bragged about it. I didn’t care about girls so much as I cared about the way it made me feel when I pursued them. More often than not, I would be disappointed and bored by the time they liked me back. I just did it so I could do it. It was a power trip and one that has taken me 26 years to even recognize. Professionally, it has been the same way. Realistic goals were always granted to me eventually, there is nothing that hasn’t eventually been able to happen.

But this was not written for the purpose of self-machismo or bragging to this TextEdit document; far from it. This is to say that my experience has actually left me hollow, unsure of myself and unable to know when to give up. The problem with “the chase” is the fact that it can back you into a corner and turn you into a caged animal. If you constantly run for something new and then lose interest once you arrive, what’s left? Why bother chasing if it just leads to unhappiness. Why bother at all. The fact is I am jaded now and find the pursuit has really only been leading to heartbreak and mismatched ideals. 

Here is an example. This time last year, I was, again, lost but thought I found a way out through construction. I submitted ten months of my life chasing this, a virtual year of my twenties spent running toward something that I knew had to be my savior. But now, I’m here. And I realize construction is not for me. There are essentially two options: desk job or the never-ending vortex of stress known as project management. In the time I’ve spent doing both, I see that neither are for me. I will die before I ever work a traditional office career, I don’t have the mental capacity to sit in one spot all day and count down the hours to lunch. But by that same token, every morning now I am awoken by people calling, asking for answers or materials, and I cannot imagine doing that for my entire life. I don’t mind leading but PM’s never have a second to breathe, each call is a panic attack around the corner and, no matter the pay, this is not an enviable life in my opinion. Maybe I’m just built weak but I don’t know how they do it. 

So now, what do I do. How can I realistically just give up? This is a lucrative career path, this is something I’ve worked hard for, this is something I thought I desired. But my mental state is declining with each passing hour. My friends are worried about me. My parents calling trying to give support. I bragged to everyone about this, so how would it look if I quit because phone calls were giving me panic attacks? On one hand, someone might say “oh well at least you tried and now you know it’s not for you” but that’s always easier said than done isn’t it? You give that advice to your friends without thinking. But I’ve found the advice we give— versus the actions we take— are often very dissimilar. You might know that it’s not for you but how can you just walk away and start over without any other real, applicable idea?

I am scared to look for something new. The future now seems dark and muddled. No real happiness in sight. Only sleep to comfort me. Why should I keep looking for something else when I might end up in the same scenario again and look twice as silly as I do right now. Everyone has to be judging me. I keep my phone on Do Not Disturb to proactively cut them off first. Why even bother with anything when I could just waste away in bed. Embarrassing moments from work daily life cycle in my head. Everyone must hate me. Why stick around. I could fly abroad before anyone even knew I was gone. 

These are the defeatist thoughts that rule my brain and dominate my thoughts. 

But. 

I have decided to try a different path. This is why I write this blog for anyone who might be reading. We cannot control these thoughts, shouldn’t even try to. They will undoubtedly pop up and intrude our daily lives. But. You can choose how you react to them. Will you let them rule over you and dictate your future? Will they force you to stay in bed and not make any efforts toward finding a better future? Or will you react against them, accept them as they come and ultimately reject their subjectivity in favor of the life you want to live. 

Because the truth is that there is no shame in giving up. It’s a hard truth to accept after growing up with the “never quit” mentality but it is a true fact. We all have strengths and weaknesses and the sooner we embrace them the better. I truly believe that if more people knew when to throw in the towel, we would have a lot less unhappy people in the world. And I recognize it’s not always that easy. Not everyone is without debts or without others who rely on them. I am quite lucky in the fact that I have only rent to worry about and nothing else. By that logic, it would make even more sense for me to be setting myself up for success rather than unhappiness.

 While I thought this route would lead to happiness, it obviously has not. So how long will I stay unhappy before moving to action. The truth is that those who really care for you will want nothing more than to see you happy. If you give up is immaterial as long as you know that it is a reasonable, objective decision not made in the heat of mania or exhaustion. I find myself wanting to be seen in a good light from those close to me and will try to hide my problems if it makes them believe I am more capable than I am. However, I’m getting better at letting others in and I see now that my worries have been unfounded. Life is a twinkle of a star and then it’s gone, so why spend any time at all being unhappy if it’s an unhappiness within your control. Many days, I actually find myself repeating the Serenity prayer used in AA in difficult times. It really is spot on. 

I also believe that nothing is quite so mentally deteriorating and exhausting as not having a guiding North Star. 

 In many ways, I am very jealous of my mother. From the day she was born, she knew exactly where she wanted to be and far surpassed her own expectations. She gets sad and feels emotions like any normal person; yet, she has not had to deal with the exhaustion of not knowing which foot to step forward next. People like that have always seemed to be the happiest to me. Waking up knowing they pursued a plan that was best for them and it worked out. They are innately fulfilled by the guiding light that has towered over them like the fire from the Tabernacle. 

But since I don’t see that fire personally, I learn to live with the uncertainty. I cope with not knowing. I hope and desire to one day find the thing that will inspire me. But standing idly as a passerby to my own dreams will not get me there. There is never a right answer on knowing when to give up. It is an innately personal decision to be made by you and you alone. But don’t let it stand in the way of your real dreams. Since starting my job, I’ve never been so depressed but I’ve also never been so inspired. Being stuck in a corner makes you realize what and who you truly value; why you do the things you do. It has enabled me to reflect and realize that I am only 26, I have been living in the shadow of my own futile exasperation rather than visualizing an end goal worthy of the chase. I still don’t have my answer, but writing lately has helped me understand more of who I am at least and affirming my desires. 

Recognize when your dreams have taken a backseat to the motions of life; that’s when it might be time to reevaluate whether you should stick it out or go after what you really want. It is never too late.