what is chemistry?
What is it? That indefinable connective mucilage which dominates the power dynamic and the structure of life. How did it come to be that we intrinsically harmonize with specific people over others?
And what determines the chemistry? Is it predestined? Are there thousands just waiting out there right now who might be a perfect fit or is it completely determinate upon the location and circumstances.
I met a girl at the bar the other day where I work. She came in quietly and sat down on the single remaining stool toward the center. It was so busy when she first walked in that I didn’t have much opportunity to speak or interact with exception to serving her drink. A Buffalo Trace old fashioned.
She seemed distracted and I could see from her body language that she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. But I couldn’t dig any deeper.
Finally, a couple hours later the bar slows down. She is still there, sipping quietly on her second cocktail and occasionally glancing angrily at her phone. I ask her if she is alright. She just nods but can’t quite bring herself to verbalize an affirmation.
I love being a nosy bartender so I ask her if she wants to talk about it. To my surprise, she nods. i notice her eyes seem to light up as I look into them, but I take this for a side effect of the whiskey rather than anything I said.
Jilted and hurried, she tells her story. That very day, she had flown in from Florida early, excited to be home from a work trip.
Like a movie, she walked in and discovered another woman in the house that she shares with her boyfriend. Not just in her house, but in her room. Naked of course. Her dog sat in the corner wagging its tail, happy for the return of its real owner.
All she could do was sprint out of the room; she was speechless. She called her friend who invited her to come stay for a while she figured things out.
Her boyfriend of almost six years apparently had been doing this for a few months as she discovered when she called him later and immediately broke things off with him. All this had happened about two hours before she walked in to the bar.
She had decided she needed to go for a drive to clear her head. That drive led to a walk and that walk led her to seeing one single barstool left at my bar and that barstool led her to a drink. Incredible circumstances.
I can’t say she arrived any later than 6:30. After hearing her story, I gave her a free drink on the house because I felt like that was the polite thing to do. I wasn’t imagining things though, her eyes lit up whenever we spoke. We spoke for a long time that night. I learned all about her as a person and we were drawn to each other.
It got to the point where other bar guests asked if we were dating because the chemistry was so visible. I had to tell them I just met her an hour ago.
The night passed, I still had work to do and drinks to make but she remained sitting in that chair. The restaurant closed at 11, still she was there. I mopped and swept and soon there were no other employees left besides the manager. She stayed. She kept me company all the while. The tension was soon unbearable, so we went for a drink after I had finished closing down the bar.
Heading to one of the few late night spots in town, we stopped in and found two cozy seats by the bar. We were all over each other.
But. It wasn’t a usual casual encounter. Those felt different than this. I knew she was hurting and in pain; realistically I knew I wouldn’t likely see her again. She sat on the precipice of a long and hard journey of healing and regaining trust. Tonight was just the eye of the storm, the calm before the hardest waves steadily would begin to buffet the levees of her self-confidence.
All the same, I wasn’t willing to back down yet. We were all over each other and each touch was calming and reassuring— not simply sexual. It was unlike anything I had felt in a long while. Toward the end of the night, her phone began ringing constantly; her friends worried about her, her ex calling to explain his actions.
I knew it was time to go. We shared a kiss goodbye and then she started toward her Uber. My heart ached. It would be a long time, if ever, before I saw her again. My heart doesn’t typically ache for complete strangers but there it was. So it goes.
I write all this not in a braggadocios manner or for self-congratulatory means. I simply want to use it as an example of undeniable chemistry.
And to add the question of why.
Why was I pulled to her knowing full well the outcome of the situation. I had no more choice in my decision than a calf born and soon led to slaughter.
The second our eyes met it was as though lives previous were unlocked and retrieved. I immediately knew her intimately despite never speaking with her before. It was a bond, it was chemistry.
These moment never fail to disorient me. How many others are there like her out there? Did fate cause her to stumble into my bar just to give me the “right person, wrong time” speech?
Is it a scientific phenomenon? Are pheromones to be blamed for this? Or is it psycho-spritual? Is there something deep within from a larger power pushing the right puzzle pieces together?
In this case, it can also almost become a question of monogamy. If so many in this world exist that might reciprocate an otherworldly, ethereal passion, who are we to limit ourselves to one person? Or maybe monogamy is the entire point– the right passion reconciling with the right circumstances.
At the end of the day, there is passion and there is chemistry and I don’t believe the two are necessarily intertwined. Passion can be derivative of negative sources and destructive tendencies while chemistry is the tenuous bond which yokes mind, body and soul into one being.
This isn’t stated to answer questions. I only begin to question why some people can feel so right while others can feel like complete strangers despite all other circumstances remaining the same.
I am curious how others are able to feel that true connection and still watch them walk out of their lives forever. Because I know it sure takes a toll on me.
The one, solid takeaway I have from this experience is that everyone has someone out there for them.
I believe placing oneself in positions where they are able to meet new people and try new things will increase the opportunities to happen upon another chemistry-driven encounter. Whatever it may be that creates the concept of chemistry, it will likely remain an enigma for an eternity.
Maybe it isn’t for us to define, but rather acquiesce. Enjoy the true, indefatigable moments whenever they should arrive.
Chipper Dreher 