Chipper Dreher

Tag: writing

  • defining the indefinable

    what is chemistry?

    What is it? That indefinable connective mucilage which dominates the power dynamic and the structure of life. How did it come to be that we intrinsically harmonize with specific people over others?

    And what determines the chemistry? Is it predestined? Are there thousands just waiting out there right now who might be a perfect fit or is it completely determinate upon the location and circumstances. 

    I met a girl at the bar the other day where I work. She came in quietly and sat down on the single remaining stool toward the center. It was so busy when she first walked in that I didn’t have much opportunity to speak or interact with exception to serving her drink. A Buffalo Trace old fashioned.

    She seemed distracted and I could see from her body language that she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. But I couldn’t dig any deeper. 

    Finally, a couple hours later the bar slows down. She is still there, sipping quietly on her second cocktail and occasionally glancing angrily at her phone. I ask her if she is alright. She just nods but can’t quite bring herself to verbalize an affirmation.

    I love being a nosy bartender so I ask her if she wants to talk about it. To my surprise, she nods. i notice her eyes seem to light up as I look into them, but I take this for a side effect of the whiskey rather than anything I said. 

    Jilted and hurried, she tells her story. That very day, she had flown in from Florida early, excited to be home from a work trip.

    Like a movie, she walked in and discovered another woman in the house that she shares with her boyfriend. Not just in her house, but in her room. Naked of course. Her dog sat in the corner wagging its tail, happy for the return of its real owner.

    All she could do was sprint out of the room; she was speechless. She called her friend who invited her to come stay for a while she figured things out.

    Her boyfriend of almost six years apparently had been doing this for a few months as she discovered when she called him later and immediately broke things off with him. All this had happened about two hours before she walked in to the bar. 

    She had decided she needed to go for a drive to clear her head. That drive led to a walk and that walk led her to seeing one single barstool left at my bar and that barstool led her to a drink. Incredible circumstances. 

    I can’t say she arrived any later than 6:30. After hearing her story, I gave her a free drink on the house because I felt like that was the polite thing to do. I wasn’t imagining things though, her eyes lit up whenever we spoke. We spoke for a long time that night. I learned all about her as a person and we were drawn to each other. 

    It got to the point where other bar guests asked if we were dating because the chemistry was so visible. I had to tell them I just met her an hour ago. 

    The night passed, I still had work to do and drinks to make but she remained sitting in that chair. The restaurant closed at 11, still she was there. I mopped and swept and soon there were no other employees left besides the manager. She stayed. She kept me company all the while. The tension was soon unbearable, so we went for a drink after I had finished closing down the bar. 

    Heading to one of the few late night spots in town, we stopped in and found two cozy seats by the bar. We were all over each other.

    But. It wasn’t a usual casual encounter. Those felt different than this. I knew she was hurting and in pain; realistically I knew I wouldn’t likely see her again. She sat on the precipice of a long and hard journey of healing and regaining trust. Tonight was just the eye of the storm, the calm before the hardest waves steadily would begin to buffet the levees of her self-confidence. 

    All the same, I wasn’t willing to back down yet. We were all over each other and each touch was calming and reassuring— not simply sexual. It was unlike anything I had felt in a long while. Toward the end of the night, her phone began ringing constantly; her friends worried about her, her ex calling to explain his actions.

    I knew it was time to go. We shared a kiss goodbye and then she started toward her Uber. My heart ached. It would be a long time, if ever, before I saw her again. My heart doesn’t typically ache for complete strangers but there it was. So it goes. 

    I write all this not in a braggadocios manner or for self-congratulatory means. I simply want to use it as an example of undeniable chemistry.

    And to add the question of why.

    Why was I pulled to her knowing full well the outcome of the situation. I had no more choice in my decision than a calf born and soon led to slaughter.

    The second our eyes met it was as though lives previous were unlocked and retrieved. I immediately knew her intimately despite never speaking with her before. It was a bond, it was chemistry. 

    These moment never fail to disorient me. How many others are there like her out there? Did fate cause her to stumble into my bar just to give me the “right person, wrong time” speech?

    Is it a scientific phenomenon? Are pheromones to be blamed for this? Or is it psycho-spritual? Is there something deep within from a larger power pushing the right puzzle pieces together? 

    In this case, it can also almost become a question of monogamy. If so many in this world exist that might reciprocate an otherworldly, ethereal passion, who are we to limit ourselves to one person? Or maybe monogamy is the entire point– the right passion reconciling with the right circumstances.

    At the end of the day, there is passion and there is chemistry and I don’t believe the two are necessarily intertwined. Passion can be derivative of negative sources and destructive tendencies while chemistry is the tenuous bond which yokes mind, body and soul into one being. 

    This isn’t stated to answer questions. I only begin to question why some people can feel so right while others can feel like complete strangers despite all other circumstances remaining the same.

    I am curious how others are able to feel that true connection and still watch them walk out of their lives forever. Because I know it sure takes a toll on me.

    The one, solid takeaway I have from this experience is that everyone has someone out there for them.

    I believe placing oneself in positions where they are able to meet new people and try new things will increase the opportunities to happen upon another chemistry-driven encounter. Whatever it may be that creates the concept of chemistry, it will likely remain an enigma for an eternity.

    Maybe it isn’t for us to define, but rather acquiesce. Enjoy the true, indefatigable moments whenever they should arrive. 

  • Why I Packed Up My Life to Move Abroad

    Why I Packed Up My Life to Move Abroad

    I wrote this for my new travel website: Chipspassport.com coming soon! Thought I would give a sneak peek.

    Travel is incredibly personal. Some are ready– some remain untouched from its grasp, content to remain at home and live comfortably.

    This, however, was not the way I wanted to go; I knew from a very young age I wanted to see the world.

    When I was a child, each day felt like it was the same. The same dull routine that just continued to recycle and spin in a flat circle, leaving me wanting more.

    It was not that I had a terrible childhood; rather, it just lacked in excitement and felt quite lonely, not helped by the fact I was an only child who moved schools constantly. 

    Senior year of high school is when the travel bug officially had me.

    I distinctly remember the moment it triggered in me. It was after watching the TV show Master of None. For anyone who hasn’t seen it, I would recommend they go watch the first two seasons immediately, then come back to finish reading this.

    The first season is great in its own right but the second is a masterpiece of filmmaking. With outright homages to classic Italian movies from the 40s-60s, it portrays Italy as though it were magic. From rolling hills to sharp, jagged mountains, from farmers markets to Aperol Spritzes in outside bodegas, it is a fantastical land of hazy pleasure and lush beauty. 

    My first sip of wine taken in Italy– it lived up to the hype

    More than anything, it felt intensely romantic. I knew I had to find a way to remain there longer than just the average tourist. This idea is what originally hooked me. It made me realize there is untold beauty elsewhere besides just the United States and I had to get out there and find it. 

    So I made a promise to myself: when I was old enough and able to travel, I would live a life of adventure and animation— each day would be different and full of mystery and intrigue. No longer would I feel like the star of Groundhog Day. I had the power to change my fate and I had every intention of doing it. 

    In the meantime, I set to work charting a feasible plan of my future hopes and dream travel destinations and how to make it happen. It moved slowly, but my life gradually began to traverse along the path I created based on the sole aim of traveling. 

    In 2019, I had the luxury of going for my undergrad at the University of Florida and things finally began to click. I had enough scholarships and grants that, by senior year, I was able to take a year off from work to focus on school. In between classes I began to expand my adventures. 

    I took a “practice run” to Miami and other weekend destinations to see how well I could travel without the help of my parents. It turns out it was actually much easier— who would’ve guessed!

    I was not reliant on their wishes and desires, we didn’t have to stay at a hotel with free breakfast in the morning and I could go to nice restaurants without fear of their impatience toward a 20 minute wait at the host stand. 

    Miami, Savannah, Jacksonville, Tallahassee, Tampa, Atlanta, Charleston, Orlando. I began flying through the biggest regional East Coast cities faster than I could save up for them.

    Each month held new surprises and possibilities and I was flooded with a passion and drive to see more and more and more. It gave me an excitement that I hadn’t felt ever before and, of course, soon I began to crave even bigger trips.

    I needed to get overseas; I had to see Italy and the rest of the Old World. 

    The Old World in Monterosso, Italy

    Unfortunately for me, my borrowed time was soon to run out.

    I was approaching my last semester as an Undergrad and would have to either get a real job again or continue into higher education. The money I had saved up was dwindling and I didn’t much enjoy the thought of taking out loans for a Master’s degree so I subconsciously understood my year of freedom was soon to be cut off.

     All of my friends had received internships in their tenure at UF, a route I had chosen not to pursue and one, consequently, that left me without many job offers. I decided I wasn’t ready for a big-boy job, I had to find a way to make my international gap year become a reality. 

    Luckily for me, and unluckily for my mother, my dad of all people found the solution for me.

    He sent me an ad on Facebook for a ski lodge in Bavaria, Germany that was looking to hire Americans.

    This “ski lodge” was actually Edelweiss Lodge and Resort, a hotel run by the Department of Defense for military personnel or active duty members of the Armed Forces, staffed by 20-somethings who just wanted cheap lodging and good travel opportunities. 

    The actual picture my Dad sent that started it all

    The deal, according to the ad, was a free flight and free lodging in return for a fifteen-month contract of work in a department of their choosing. I jokingly applied for it one day bored during class and was astonished to wake up to a call the very next morning from their HR director looking to set up an interview with me. 

    Half-asleep, voice cracking, my girlfriend still snoring next to me, I answered the call and confirmed a second interview in a few days at 7:00am. Germany is six hours ahead of East Coast time, making this the biggest hurdle a drunk college student had to face: waking up early.

    Fast forward a few days later, the interview was very straightforward– the questions revolving around “do you have a passport” and “are you willing to work abroad”. Of course, my answers were yes across the board and, all things being equal, I was hired a week later. 

    The paperwork for DOD contract positions is insane and, luckily, I had another six months to complete it while I finished school and packed up my life. The timing was perfect and I graduated with my degree in Communications and was allowed a month to decompress before heading out. The rest is history. 

    Lounging in Campo Del Moro, Spain

    Helpful Tips for You

    My circumstances for traveling were very special, I was able to live long-term abroad and save up money while I plotted my next destination. I don’t expect everyone to be able to take this same route as it is a rarity to find opportunities like this abroad.

    But for anyone looking to see the world, I recommend finding seasonal jobs or even “volunteer” hostel jobs that are willing to work with you in terms of paying for your work. It makes things a lot easier and a lot more permanent if a paycheck flows in while living in the country of your dreams.

    That’s not to say volunteering sites like Worldpackers, WWOOF and Workaway aren’t a great tool as well, but I believe they only sustain travel for so long and can often be quite toxic based on my friends’ experiences. 

    I still believe however you choose to travel, it will be a rewarding experience regardless. If you feel that travel bug biting, the best thing you can do is listen to it and find a way to execute your plan.

    By cutting down on clutter, avoiding excess spending and remaining goal-oriented toward travel, you will find it’s actually much easier to accomplish than some people make it seem.

    Budget traveling is very attainable — even comfortable — these days and there is more than enough resources to help someone on their path to financial freedom and long-term travel. 

    While my blog will help with this, I still recommend listening to professionals speak about it so you will be better equipped when you are ready to take that first step out the door and into your new life.

    Dave Ramsey and his podcast is a great place to start, even if the advice he gives is typically just logical, common sense. 

    Great advice for financial literacy– the first step toward permanent travel

    “The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only one page”

    St. Augustine

    Even if you cannot or do not want to travel to another country, find ways to see something new around you— to live more dynamic and engaging lives. At worst, you spend money and don’t like it; at best, you find a new home.

    If you feel that travel bug biting, listen to it and let it take you where it will. Have the courage to try something new, even if it’s just for a second

  • linearity

    linearity

    My life has been everything but what I expected it to be at this point. All the dreams I put on a shelf over the years silently sit, drooping morosely over me. I stare at them wistfully and, between glances, watch the minutes of time fleetingly pass beyond my nose.

    I am still young, but it is the kind of youth that no longer offers as much leeway and grace toward deemed irresponsible behavior as before. When I act in a way that was passable merely a couple years ago, now I am met with scorn and contemptuous glances from my peers. I am 26 with have no definable career path; I have very little money with which to begin some fantastic journey and I am unmarried without kids. 

    Admittedly, for the dedicated reader, they will surmise that I never have really strived for most of these typical, traditional goals. My only true, real, firm loves in my life have been traveling, hiking, climbing, fitness, writing and music. I have other hobbies but these are goals and ideals that, insofar, I have dedicated 26 years of my life to their pursuit. I haven’t always done the best job but I have tried absolutely to continue to find a way to involve them in my life. 

    I think really I just do this to avoid responsibility. The heavy crown of stewardship and obligation is one to which I am very averse. Deep down, it has felt a bit like an escape mechanism; never having a real job, never looking to settle down with one person, never looking to stay put in one location for longer than a couple years— things that normal seeming adults are able to do effortlessly. 

    Lately, I have been trying to do some self reckoning. This year has brought with it intense, somewhat painful change that I was clearly not ready for and now I find myself confused and mired in lack of purpose. For 23 years, life was linear. Even at moments when I didn’t find much hope in the future, I still felt as though I were on the right track. Building, creating, striving for something better.

    Perhaps it was just the educational complex that carried me forward but I felt as if each moment was leading toward my inevitable future and pregnant with the promise of change for the better. After graduating, my time abroad in Germany continued in this sense of direction. I had always wanted to go abroad and, of course, this was the next logical step. Self-doubt and uncertainty were yet to plague me as I stepped off the tarmac in Munich and I spent the next 22 months engrossed in a foreign, transient lifestyle to keep me constantly engaged and unconcerned with the premise of any next steps. 

    But suddenly I was back in America, walking through the Gainesville airport to a home that I no longer felt was my own. No plans made themselves available to me. I spent a year drifting from goal to goal. I tried another seasonal job but there was no love there. I tried a master’s program but UF somehow managed to suck the joy out of that with their application process. Suddenly, 9 months had gone by since my departure from Germany and I felt myself more confused than ever in my entire life. I applied for every marketing/communication job under the sun but was met with an obstinate silence from any and all employers, another door closed in my face. 

    It seemed all opportunity had slipped from my fingers. Friends from college had professional jobs and were making their bones in corporate America, friends from Germany who stayed when I left found housing on the economy and permanent jobs on base, allowing them a new, enduring life as an expatriate. And yet, there I was. A dead-end job, worthless Bachelor’s degree and no clear path. 

    I seemed to find a promising path in Nashville, arriving soon after New Years in 2023 and buckling down to a profitable life in Construction. I went back to school for a bit before coming to my senses and comprehending I was simply kicking the can down the road and unnecessarily delaying my future by, once more, hiding in the comfort and delusion of education. I was 25 and already had a Bachelor’s degree, this was a lateral move that would likely not really be useful so I simply got a job in the industry and took the risk. Once again, not for me. 

    So now, we come to the present moment. I have fallen back on bartending to finance my search for a dedicated future. In the meantime, I have realized that one thing for which I have potential is writing, and thus have begun to narrow my field for jobs or even simply mentors in this industry. While, to me, writing is an intensely personal and intrinsically creative exercise that cannot be taught, I believe some of the finer aspects may be elevated such as writing stronger dialogue or creating more narratively-focused sentences and I now only seek the opportunity to learn more about this skill. 

    Travel writing was always a dream job of mine growing up; I idolized authors such as Rolf Potts, Peter Matthiessen and, of course, the great Ralph Waldo Emerson. They were a big inspiration and informed my love for travel and the minimalist attitude by which I try to abide. I realized that, in theory, I could write just as well as them if I truly applied myself and so have begun by telling stories of my travels abroad. While they are usually very simple and arcane, it has been indispensable practice for me and highlighted my shortcomings as a creative person. 

    I feel as though it will one day reconcile my goals of living as an expatriate and perpetual travel with personal ownership and imaginativeness.I have had great trouble deciding which avenue I want to pursue in my life because I feel as though I’m capable of so much and, as a result, stand frozen in time. 

    Life is made from the ‘in-between’ that occurs while we wait for moments that never come; it wasn’t until lately that I feel I’ve truly comprehended this statement.

    I have sat immobilized for two and a half years, waiting for a return to form of linearity and, as a result, have plucked myself from the shifting waves of time; a detached traveler treading water among the distant moors oblivious to the swelling, swirling rip current silently governing the tides. I have been made unhappy due to my own indecision, yet sit and wait for a guiding force or extenuating event to take the control out of my hands and tell me where to go. And, obviously, it’s never going to come. I am to blame for my aversion to the present and consequences thereof. 

    I have not been present-minded for two years as I have waited for moments that never come. Life need not be linear and each moment that I spend waiting for the veneer of that superintending feeling to return is a moment wasted that shall never return. My future lies in my hands and I must begin to act it rather than continue to hope I will be saved by some great force or action. 

    Do we need a narrative through-line to keep us motivated? Do we create it or is it given?

    With all the metamorphosis and change I have faced in the last two years, I am obviously gearing up for something great. I have survived the toughest challenges and lack of purpose, yet still remain here stronger than anytime previous in my life.

    A quiet confidence seeps into my being and allows me to conduct myself with poise and strength while seeking new challenges without fear or trepidation and I feel maybe this has been my purpose for the previous difficult seasons. I must be here for a reason. I put myself here for a reason, whether I realized it or not. 

    Perhaps, life is still linear after all. 

  • thumbprint

    thumbprint

    Well here is the follow-up to the most depressing series of posts I had ever written—I’m still alive!

    It turns out my body was just physically rejecting that new reality in which I lived for those couple of months. Looking back, it was just not really a good fit in any sense of the word.

    I don’t like waking up early, I didn’t know anything about the company that I was working for, I was unfairly thrusted into a role in which I had no training and was woefully unprepared for and it overall just did not fit with the principles and values I hold most intensely. I thought I was ready for a big-boy job. I was going to make my name in the corporate construction world but that simply wasn’t the case. It turns out I actually despise office culture and the weird unwritten laws and mores that dictate the everyday life of a worker.

    Nothing against people who enjoy that type of living, but it felt too oppressive and stagnant. I don’t want my life dictated by the results of my NYT wordle every morning; I want creative freedom and diversity. I like talking to new people every day and seeing something new. I didn’t know just how strongly I believed in these things until my body and mind raged against the life into which it was being forced.

    So I quit.

    I knew it had to happen but still the thought of quitting a high-paying future career weighed heavily on me. I think looking back on it, this was the most pivotal choice I’ve made in my entire life. While this might sound extremist, I believe in the veracity of it. Many reasons for this.

    My life for 26 years felt like it was being led without my control. I felt like a passenger to my own fate and I was just riding but irresponsible for the decisions I made because they had already been predestined. Go to school, make good grades, go to college, take a gap year, get down to work and find a corporate job that paid a lot and prepared for a wife and a family. This was the established path I had always been led to believe was the correct one and I had followed this tradition like the good soldier for my entire life. But two months ago, I think something snapped in me. It was the lowest I had ever been and I couldn’t figure out why. My job was one with a lot of potential to make money very quickly and I had more authority already in a month and a half than I had had an entire lifetime at previous jobs.

    Yet, I couldn’t have been any more unhappy. It was a month of heavy deliberation in which I searched myself for answers. I was writing, reading, meditating, anything I could do to figure out why I would be so miserable in a job for which my entire family and friends lauded me.

    Finally it struck me, I had stopped living according to myself. I was doing what others expected of me but it wasn’t what I necessarily valued. I was time-poor and had no time to do the things I wanted to do besides drag my tired ass to the gym every day. I had no interest in what I was doing, which made it hard to buckle down and consider long-term possibilities within that company. But more than anything, it just made me realize that I want life to feel bright and diverse and unique to anyone else.

    I don’t want to be average. I don’t want to be a drone for someone else’s dream. I don’t want to exist to make someone else money. I want to live for me and start working on MY ventures and make money for MY dreams. I was born with a talent that you’ll be hard pressed to ever really see me acknowledge or recognize but it is is there and it is not ever going to be exploited and abused by others furthermore. I want to travel, I want to write, I want to play guitar in beautiful places, I want to inspire hope and freedom in others and be someone that is remembered long after I’m gone. My dream, since I can remember, has been to open my own bar so now I have begun to put together an actionable plan as to how to actually accomplish this.

    After quitting, I went to decompress in Florida for a while and reconnect with family and friends to touch roots with things that used to inspire me. I noticed that in the weeks after leaving my job, a calm, quiet confidence began to slowly build in intensity. It is a feeling which I’ve never experienced before but has slowly cured me of that crushing impostor syndrome that has plagued my entire personal life. Going over my life as a talent acquisition specialist looks at a resume, I realize that I have lived more lives in 26 years than many live in a lifetime. I have more experience in more areas of my life than many ever hope for and it has inspired me. If I can survive so many difficult periods of my life and still come out standing, genuinely what can ever stop me.

    It’s a unique feeling, one that I hope everyone gets to experience at some point. Maybe I’m just late to the game, admittedly I’ve spent most of my life in denial of who I am. But still, I enjoy this.

    After leaving Florida, I accepted a position with the bar I used to work at as Pool Supervisor. Normally, I wouldn’t want anything to do with the pool because it is so mismanaged by my boss promised me carte blanche with it to fix it and do whatever I see fit. He pitched it as “this could be your project, you wouldn’t necessarily have to stop being a project manager” which shows he knew exactly how to appeal to my big, fat ego. Luckily, he wasn’t bluffing this time around and I truly have been able to build the bar program from the ground up. It couldn’t have been more relevant experience for a future bar owner. I was able to design SOPs, create an entire new drink recipe menu, train the new servers and bartenders, curate the liquor, wine and beer stock and overall just make the place mine. Don’t get me wrong, I still viscerally hate the pool. It’s where good bartending goes to die typically. But I think I Stockholm syndrome’d myself into really caring about it. I find that I still goof around but I’ve also become the first one to tell people when to stop messing around or how to improve certain processes or actions. It is wild, I never thought I would grow up to be someone who actually has some authority. I don’t know how to feel about it.

    As to my future, I feel like Troy Bolton in High School Musical 3. I’m torn between two conflicting desires. What I want most in this world is just to travel long-term. Be an ex-pat in as many countries as possible. I have been reading travel books like Snow Leopard and In Patagonia which are inspiring me to do something similar. I want to explore the forgotten areas of the world and write about the nature of the life I find there. Most Americans don’t even own a passport and I would love to asseverate unto them how diverse and interesting the rest of the world can be. I’ve always said that I like the idea of dedicating my life to something and, to me, this feels like a worthy cause. In September when my lease ends, I would enjoy the possibility of traveling for a short-term again to remind myself of the life outside the borders of Tennessee.

    I reckon I still aim to move to NYC after this too. I believe that dream is still strong enough to justify trying it out. There is nowhere on earth to get such an intensive, comprehensive training into owning a bar as in the great city of New York and I think I just need to rob a couple banks to finance these dreams of mine. Easy.

    Anyway, that’s my life update for right now. I think I will be focusing on writing now, specifically more descriptive prose that is typical in travel and nonfiction work. Things are better and I am doing well and I’ll end with this. Prioritize your health and goals over anything else and find the path that is meant for you, don’t just follow what you believe others to want for you. Each human has a unique fingerprint; their key to a unique path meant only for them. You just have to learn to read it.